(Jan. 21, 2011) When Jane first made the decision to take herself back to the beach, she was filled with excitement and anticipation for what was to come. And at the same time, it was a bittersweet change from the routine she had created for herself where she used to live.
Jane soon began working at her old place of work, the place where she had waited tables when she was in college. Coming back to a place from which she thought she had moved on brought with it an interesting feeling.
Such a feeling reminded her of the saying, “Never say never.” And with that, Jane accepted that she might very well be gallivanting in Never Never Land. But her time was limited. Any oxymoron can only exist for so long before it cancels itself out, right?
In her old-but-new place of employment,
Jane stood in the spot that would serve as the place where she would stand for the next few years. On this particular Saturday night in the middle of July, the lights had been turned down in the dining room area of the restaurant, and all of the tables had been removed.
Crowds and crowds of summertime tourists engulfed the dining roomturned dance room setting. Red strobe lights floated along the hardwood floor as Jane struggled to get her footing.
Unable to focus on anything other than the swirling red circular lights, it was enough to make Jane dizzy. She felt overwhelmed — maybe not by the place exactly, but more so by her decision. Not only did the new place seem so big, but her new life seemed so risky.
Now, in the middle of winter, Jane stood in that same spot. It was a Sunday and the restaurant was closing before midnight. With the lights turned on and the dining tables still intact, Jane suddenly felt larger than the room. Something that once seemed overcrowded and daunting was no longer insurmountable.
Jane has realized there is uncertainty in everything. Risks lie in all things, staying or going. As Gerry Lopez contemplates in his book, Surf is Where You Find it, “Mountains always look a lot steeper and hairier when at the top, looking down. From the bottom looking back up, they don’t look steep at all. I continue to wonder why that is.”
Merely thinking about something before taking a step might only serve to keep Jane in one place. As someone all too used to getting up and going, Jane understands that hesitation can be one’s greatest enemy. Navigating the nuances of a challenge is what has gotten Jane down many hills. Not meditating on the journey, but rather becoming the journey, confirms for Jane that living in the present is the only way to live at all.
And so, maybe now Jane must be in a place that she might not outgrow, but that might, in fact, be a place that will grow and change with her. And this might not even be where Jane is, but rather who Jane is.
just jane. 